A Scientific Approach to Fantasies

Fantasies. Everyone has em, most of em are sick and twisted, and a lot of people will lie about em. This is a tongue-in-cheek 101 guide to how to articulate your darker desires without (hopefully) you ending up having to surgically remove the charred jagung stuck to your forehead.

In matters involving life and death, obviously timing is very important. If you're notorious for doing the wrong things at the wrong time, obviously you might want to practice more before embarking on this perilous journey. Like maybe level up on your good-timing aptitude.

Examples of good timing: right after you've done something incredibly sweet for her, like maybe the dishes, without her having to ask. Orgasms are pretty good too.

Examples of bad timing: football halftime. In fact, doing anything (except the dishes) during halftime is a pretty bad idea.

The way you articulate your desires is also fairly important. Like they keep telling us in my course, communication is the most important aspect of human life. Without communication, we'd still be organised like a society of mute monkeys and swing from tree to tree happily, complete with cute little waggedy tails. Of course, this way males will then retain a very important part of their anatomy as well: their hearing.

The gist of the point is to pick your words very carefully. This is not a situation where you just blurt stuff out and hope for the best. Nay, even myself, the Queen of Winging It, would advise against it in this case because it could very well involve another very important part of your anatomy: the family jewels. The keyword here is practice. And rehearse. But don't make it sound too stilty or you're screwed (in a bad way) as well.

For example, it's fine to ask her to be Princess Leia, but it's definitely not okay to ask her to be Angelina Jolie, even if you temper it by asking her to play Tomb Raider.

The only tomb you'll be raiding will be your own, babe.

Instead, you can ask for Lara Croft and hope that she tries the Jolie route while doing research. Of course, she may have done too much research and end up looking scarily similar to a pixellated babe with a seriously deformed body, complete with twin Uzis and grunts. Either way, I figure you win.

Remember, the Cardinal Rule is that fantasies about other people are fine as long as you don't ask her to actually be someone else (real) while you're going at it.

Finally, we come to the point of place or location. If you've nailed timing and communication, screwing up the place could still throw a monkey wrench into the works. Naturally, you want to approach the slightly-taboo topic of fantasies in a location where you're fairly comfortable. That rules out your mother-in-law's house because a) her mother might overhear you, b) you do not think about sex when her mother's in the area, c) her dad may have agreed to let you marry his daughter, but it doesn't mean he'll be equally agreeable to you asking her to dress up as Little Red Riding Hood, and d) her father may secretly own an arsenal of dangerous firearms.

Examples of good places: Bedrooms, because it's comfortable, or a nice quiet cafe. Basically anywhere you can talk without shouting is good. Beware of eavesdroppers though.

Examples of bad places: MIL's house, kitchen (knives = bad), nursery (childbirth = painful. Don't literally remind her about what would ensue if an accident accidentally happened) and places where there are charred jagungs lying around within easy reach.

And so, with this little beginner's guide, I'm sure the process of realising your needs will go much smoother and with much less losing of important limbs. Therefore, I shall end on this note and bid you good luck, and farewell.

Scribbles:
jagung - corn

This article is mainly written for males because a woman who articulates her desires is a godsend and will therefore need no help in getting her fantasies realised. Even if she demands that her guy take a day off from work and spend a day involving a bed, silk ties and an ice-cube, he'd probably still do it.