There are some men who affect you more than others, people who walk in your life and spend some time with you, and as all relationships are wont to play out, when the time comes for them to leave you, they leave you forever changed. You never know if it's for better or for worse, but you have changed.
You lie awake at night thinking about the whole relationship, thinking about the decisions you made, and you want to fantasise about what it would have been like if you'd been willing to give up your career and have babies with this man, the one whom you really love.
A few years down the line, the memory still lingers, sweetness tinged with regret. You don't want to forget him but you don't want to think about him either, because it still hurts to know you're not together till the end of time. You want to think he misses you too, but you dismiss it as romantic nonsense. You want to think about where you would be now with him to inspire you, to arouse and energise.
And then there are some men whom you meet serendipitously. Men whom you still hold dear, men you miss, achingly at times, but you would never admit it. These men you talk to haltingly, eagerly, all the time marvelling at the chance sleight-of-hand that brought the two of you together again.
Men who are married now. Men who have a kid with their Beijing-born wives, men who say they don't believe that they are only entitled to one single love in their entire lives. These men say yes when you ask them if they're hinting at an affair with you. These men don't notice the hurt and betrayal they have so cavalierly inflicted on you. These men casually ask you if you'd like to work with them someday.
"I will never work for, or with you, Michael,"
When these people leave, they rip a chunk off your bleeding heart and they don't even know it.
Cliched? Maybe. But when 'the men' is actually 'the man', broken hearts are bad enough. Broken hearts couched in broken dreams should never be endured alone, no matter how strong she thinks she is.
*story has been anonymised. it's not me, obviously.
3 comments:
Yes, we all wonder a lot...past memories, what ifs.
One wonders if it's possible not to be affected for so long. But yet, there's always that tinge of memories, even after many years, after much getting over done.
Can't good men and women just meet? Why is it so hard? Wouldn't it be easier if we just know we are made for one another, for sure? Ah well.
Your writing made me feel for her. It is, more often than not, women who find themselves in such situations.
@Resurrected:
I dunno. It's all very complicated. Mostly I'm just pissed at the guy because she's been thinking about him so much all these years and it turns out that he wasn't what she thought he was. It's very disconcerting to know that even high-flying expatriates can make severe mistakes in judgement.
If you believe in fate then there IS one woman out there waiting for you. :) You just have to be patient and hope for the best.
@IBlogMe:
Yeah, I actually wanted to tack on "Men suck" at the end, but then I figured I get enough flames as it is, I don't need anymore, heheh. :)
Thanks for reading this piece of mush, dearie.
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