Observing tanks and bumper-kissers

Picture this.

It's 7.30 am. You have been stuck in roughly the same spot for the past 30 minutes because you're a fine upstanding citizen and do not resort to slimy queue-jumping to save 40 minutes of your time at the expense of others. You're alternatively warbling along to the strains of Weird Al Yankovich's Traffic Jam and banging your head against the steering wheel because the stupid P driver in front of you just let another queue-jumping bastard into the legit lane, which you have been on. (for the past 30 minutes, remember?)

Finally the lights change and the lane transmutates from a parking lot to a real road where real cars move. P driver suddenly ups and decides to switch lanes. Unfortunately he drives his Wira like a tank driver drives a tank, so he ends up hogging half of two lanes, resulting in the inability of other vehicles to get through to make a mad dash before the light turns red again.

Cue honking of car horns and flashing of headlights. Cue extreme cluelessness in the part of P driver.

Despite the improbability of it (due to the fact that the entire universe is against you), you make it past the Wira-tank and laugh to yourself at the cars who will inevitably have to endure following behind the Wira-tank for the remainder of their journey. You suspect that if one had to vomit blood for every mistake P driver makes, one would end up exsanguinated within a distance of 500m. It's a happy thought because more dead people = fewer cars on the road = less traffic jam = real possibility of getting to office from home in 30 minutes real time.

You have a very warped mind.

After 58 grueling minutes spent stuck in an air-conditioned metal box with reasonably comfy seats, you make it to the final traffic light before you turn into KL's CBD, into the parking lot of your office, where you have to make a mad sprint to make it to your cubicle before your slave driver boss walks past with her whip in hand.

[PARAGRAPH ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE BEING WHIPPED INTO SUBMISSION BY FEMALE BOSS DELETED]

If you think this blog is another gripe about lousy Malaysian drivers, fear not, for I am one myself and it would be extremely hypocritical for me to complain about my own kind. Oh no, this blog is about The People Who Try to Bumper-Kiss The Car In Front When the Traffic Lights Are Red. You know, the kind who'll move their gear from N to D because the car in front of them has advanced 3/4ths of an inch.

Since I'm bored, I'm going to attempt to delve into the minds of these maladjusted pseudo-speed freaks and try to find out the reason to their chronic Go-Go-GO!! syndrome.

Advancing 3/4ths of an inch will get you that much closer to beating the traffic lights next time they turn green.
To be specific, 3/4ths of an inch closer.

Of course, this has to be coupled with extreme alertness and constant revving of your engine, because the point is to fly past the junction the minute the lights turn green, nevermind that you're in a car and not a jet. It wouldn't do for someone to be languidly looking at the blue sky while waiting for the lights to turn. It also wouldn't help the situation if someone actually had their gears at N instead of the ever-ready state of D, cos then that'll be a precious few seconds of your time wasted while the clearly-inept driver changes gears, when the light is green.

Cue honking and flashing of headlights. Again.

Advancing 3/4ths of an inch will buy you enough time to stop for a pastry on the way to the office.
Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal, and we should all allocate enough time to have a healthy balanced meal to start the day. Maybe an icky tasteless muesli bar or some icky tasteless oatmeal, washed down by some orange juice or a glass of milk. Nasi Lemak and kopi kau is not a healthy balanced meal, but who gives a flying uh rat's ass.

Unfortunately, most of us set the alarm clock just early enough to give us enough time to wash, dress and grab whatever it is we need to grab (briefcase/handbag/files/folders/shoes/coins/overdue library books etc) before leaving the house. If you decide to open the fridge to grab a snack (assuming there is a snack in your fridge) on your way out, you will inevitably rue those 10 seconds or so you spent rummaging through the fridge when you're stuck in your daily jam, so why give yourself one more reason to hate yourself anyway? That's only going to end up with you having another one of those 'talks' with your therapist, and they charge by the hour.

Assuming you have to pass through 7 traffic lights on your way to work, 3/4ths x 7 = 21, and that's a whopping 5 inches. When you convert those inches to time, you can get anything between 2 seconds to 13 minutes, so let's go with a middle value and assume the answer is 6 minutes. That's more than enough time to stop at Meidi-Ya for a nice little cheese-filled pastry that's still warm from the oven.

Advancing 3/4ths of an inch will keep immoral queue-jumpers at bay
Vulture: A person of a rapacious, predatory, or profiteering nature.

Opportunists are going to take any opening they see and will attempt to shove their cars head-first into any open space that's more than 6 inches apart, so it's understandable that some drivers would want to hog every 3/4 inch of available space so that the vultures will have to wait for another victim, or better still, miss their turning. Unfortunately that never happens, so we'll just stick with the former.

Nowadays, lanes are sometimes separated by those nifty little orange rubber sticks that look like metal, but really aren't, so they trick people into thinking that their cars would be scratched beyond recognition should they ram through the sticks. City Hall finally got something right, w00tness.

To be honest, I have no idea why people like to stick so close to the tail of the car in front. I never move forward unless there space is enough to fit half of my car, but then I've noticed that my dad does it quite frequently. The day I decide that my life is not worth living anymore I'll ask him and hopefully he'll let me blog about it before he kills me.

The things I do in the name of blogging. ;)

Notes
P driver: young person whose license is on probation for 2 years until they get a REAL license. They are, alternatively, extremely clueless or extremely aggressive. Encounters always end with exasperation/frustration/curses on your part.

D: Drive

N: Neutral

So I can't drive a manual (stick shift) car, bite me. :p

Nasi Lemak: literally, fat rice. As I said, it's not a healthy balanced meal at all. Rice is mixed with coconut milk and boiled, and the condiments are usually sambal (spicy, oily stuff), crispy deep-fried anchovies, peanuts, a few slices of cucumber and half a hard-boiled egg. pic here.

Kopi kau: coffee, really strong. When done right (by old uncles in dirty singlets and boxers, in coffeeshops with mosaic tiled floors that're grimy and crusted with gunk), it puts espresso to shame.

Meidi-Ya: The best bakery ever.

Nasi lemak pics stolen from this site.