October 28, 2004

Apple Pie

Today's blog is inspired by two of my friends who recently broke up with their boyfriends. Advertising messy breakups publicly in a blog to be read by all netizens is the best way to cement a friendship, btw, if you didn't know already. Okay, so perhaps a grand total of 10 people read this blog regularly, but still...

This blog also contains gross generalisations about almost everything, including, but not limited to, male behavior, female behavior, and sex. The author asks, cordially, that readers, especially of the male persuasion, to take this lightly and resist the urge to write rude things about her. Thank you very much. Onwards.

Lately, a number of people close to me have witnessed the end of some pretty serious relationships. After spending much precious time listening to them snivel and sob and blubber their hearts out, I've decided to waste more time by writing this mildly entertaining but ultimately useless piece of junk. Let's start, shall we?

There comes a time in every relationship when a woman needs to assess the whole couple thing and decide whether or not to up the commitment quotient and take the next big step in terms of the evolution of the relationship: moving in together.

Now that may seem like a fairly simple question to answer, but it's actually made up of a few annoying parts. I love him, check. He loves me, check. I want to have sex on a regular basis without having to return to my own house for fresh knickers, check. Does he? Check. Split the rent, the bills, the food? Check check and check.

However, one question remains unanswered. The question that will never occur to most people, the question that will either make or break the fledgling relationship.

Is he house-trained?

Yup, this may seem totally irrelevant and insignificant, but trust me, two couples have recently gone on their separate ways precisely because of this trivial issue, and I'm not talking about the toilet-seat.

Every woman must be doubly sure of her mate's ability to keep himself and his surrounding area clean, say, within a radius of 20 feet. Also, every woman must make sure that her and her mate's definition of clean is on roughly the same highway. It would also be nice if he could actually fit the toilet roll onto the toilet roll holder instead of just lobbing it on top of the water tank cover, but sometimes that's asking too much. Personally, I'd settle for not leaving shirts/shorts/pants/other articles of clothing on the floor where he took them off. (reference: bro and dad)

Some may be asking, why do all this? What is the point of talking about house-training when I can suck her face off in the backseat of my car? Because, dear readers, if he ranks lower on the Darwinian level of cleanliness, the relationship will be a chore once the romance and passion fizzles. Then, you'll start seeing the slimy fungi, the month-old beer stains, the horrifyingly humongous dust balls, and you'll want to sock him over the head with a baseball bat when he tells you that he bought the green shower curtain to match the mold on the tiles.

And the whole point of this article is to hopefully stop people from breaking up over trivial reasons like...leaving mugs by the sink for so long that strange organisms have grown in the leftover milk and sprouted something that looks disturbingly similar to legs.

4 comments:

Kervin said...

It might boil down to what both male and female terms as 'clean'. Its the same paradox as with who is viewing a glass of water and deciding whether it is half full or half empty. Well, men has their habits and woman generally has theirs. There are many times that the female species has often complained about the toilet seat being up but to us we don't see the big fuss and maybe we are at fault at times especially about the toilet roll (guilty as charged). Guess both have to learn from each other :)

Kimberly Low said...

Matters may appear trivial to some but they could be deal-breakers to others.

hyelbaine said...

Great post. Most people laugh at it but not many realize it can be quite..err..shall i say challenging. based on my experience *cough* it does take a lot of understanding and of course, patience.

I think if both parties can set out ground rules (i know2, its not romantic at all) then i think both can happily live together without all the hassle of ..well..you know what ;)

Cheers!!! :D

Saffron said...

@Kervin
True that, I mean, if you can't see dust an inch thick (me) you can't be dating a Monica and expect things to work out. Toilet seats are no biggie, I think women who complain about them needs to seriously re-evaluate the use of their hands. ;)

@Kim
Yeah, maybe someone should write a blog about Small Things That Make (Or Break) A Relationship. Hint hint. *grins*

@Hyelbaine
Thanks. :) Nice to know my ramblings are appreciated. And I agree with you. Romance isn't going to last you a lifetime, no matter what Hollywood says.