May 23, 2005

Observations Regarding Kitchens

I'd say that in general, having two people at the same time is just wrong, but then again I know what kind of kinky deviants lurk around my blog, so I'll just be more specific and say that there should never be more than one cook in the kitchen at any time.

Of course, by 'cook' I mean those tyrannical and generally obnoxious people who have no qualms bullying other poor souls in the kitchen (like me) into doing things their way. I mean, there're only so many times I can handle someone shrieking, "You're doing it wrong! It's diagonal, then horizontal!!"

'Tis the dicing of potatoes said Tyrant was complaining about. Who the bloody hell gives a flying fuck whether it's diagonal first or horizontal first? It's potatoes. If it's diced, it's done. I swear if I wasn't so doped up on flu meds I'd have clipped the ends of her pretty manicured nails off with my uber Meat Cleaver of the Boar instead of, well, mangling up my own hand. Oh well, it's just my left hand. I mean, it's not like it's a really important body part like my liver (for drinking) and my heart (for living), right?

Notice I never said brain. ;)

Another thing to avoid when dealing with damgerous, kitcheny stuff is people who react to things the way I do. In a nutshell: violence.

Anyway, back to my point about kitchens and cooks and violence and me. If you can cook alone, that would be perfect. If you have to share kitchens with other people, then share it with someone nice and easy-going. If nice and easy-going isn't available, either negotiate turns or keep the other bugger forcibly restrained onto something that isn't mobile (chairs are never a good idea). If you have the misfortune to deal with a Tyrant in the kitchen, it would be very convenient for yourself to develop a saintly disposition and handle every in-your-face yell with dignity, grace and beneficence.

Because when you have someone like the Tyrant and someone like me in a cramped and hazardous environment, things could go south really quickly. In between sharp knives, pointy barbeque forks, heavy-bottomed pots, boiling vats of soup, molten cheese that really hurts upon contact with bare skin etc, we could do a lot of damage to each other. Probably the last thing anyone wants is to have two hot-headed cooks armed with sharp and pointy stainless steel utensils duking it out in a really small space.

I mean, we could literally start flinging cheese at each other! Think of all the innocents!

4 comments:

Lancelot95 said...

If there is to be 2 cooks, always be the main cook :) easy right ?

Of course there is some way about cutting and dicing stuff that we might never understand. For example, i was once told if you cut cucumber different way, it will taste differently. So that logic might apply to your potatoes. (though not much logic, we are all irrational at some point)

If you are going to cook, prepare and cook early :)

Anonymous said...

Well a body can live without the brain, but can't live without the liver or the heart. It's not that important your know, the brain :P

And I hate it when people tell me how to do things. Even if I'm doing it wrong.

iblogme said...

I'm always unwelcome in the kitchen. That's why I stay away from it when it's occupied by The Cook. That's also probably why I can barely cook to save myself from hunger. :P

Tan Yee Wei said...

Flinging cheese sounds dangerous. Think of all the cheese!