Creaking doors

Skip this if you're not in the mood to be assaulted by blocks of text. That's the disclaimer.

Recently, I've been reading some blogs about insecurity, forging new paths, change, relationships, mother-in-laws and Terri Schiavo. They're not necessarily related, but my mind links stuff together sometimes in a totally weird way.

I don't like being disappointed (who does, honestly?), and I don't bounce back as quickly as other people do when I face some bumps in the road. Knowing this, I don't get my hopes up before something is triple-confirmed, mainly because I'm not a masochist. I work to maintain my grades but I don't expect to score anything higher than a B, because I can't deal with the disappointment if I don't get what I expect to get. This way, if I get a B I won't be demoralised and quit studying altogether, and if I get anything higher than a B it's a very nice surprise.

Generally, I don't like it when people have expectations of me as well. If you don't expect me to succeed then I can't disappoint you, therefore it's less pressure on me.

Some of my friends confuse my attitude for humility. It's not. It's mostly a combination of the way I deal with things and a low self-esteem. Funnily, my best friend WS does the exact same thing. Birds of a feather must really flock together.

The very few times where I've allowed myself to actually fantasise about what-it-might-be-like ended up with a very disappointed me, so I think my way works. As usual, bad timing comes into play whenever I hit bumps (notice the plural), so it's even tougher. Breakups coincided with exams, family arguments coincided with exams, bad bad health coincided with exams. See why I have more reason than ever to hate exams? :)

Next is a few paras about my idealism and naivete that borders on insanity. I like my life simple and uncomplicated, and I try to keep it that way as much as possible. Of course, the older and more experienced you get, the more complex relationships become, but then again I believe in freewill. It's only complicated if you choose to let it be that way. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, which explains why I believed Carnage when he said he was leaving BF. All 6 times. :p I am also extremely straightforward and direct. Some of you have experienced this first hand, and Im sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable.

Obviously, that puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with more seasoned (read: manipulative) people, and you'll be surprised at how seasoned some people are, even in college. I've tried being manipulative, and even though it was an astounding success (I got what I wanted and the other parties weren't any wiser), I still feel a bit dishonest when I look back at it.

I don't think it's worth the sleepless nights. Okay, exaggeration, but I really regret doing that. Just as well I decided to abandon Business and go after Mass Comm. :p

Now about openness. I've actually closed myself off for the past 4 years, due to reasons that may be apparent to some and yet not apparent to others. I doubt my decision-making ability, and I don't feel safe enough to trust other people. The total amount of real-life new guy friends I've made in the past 4 years is practically less than 5.

I decided a while back to take a step forward, because 4 years is way too long even for my standards. It felt really great for a while to not worry about stuff all the time, but then my expectations were raised, and I was disappointed. There was a point when I decided to close this blog because I was uncomfortable with some people reading it, hence the hiatus post.

Luckily for me, the very next day after I'd decided to close this thing I had a date with Suanie, and she said some things that triggered a lot of deep thinking. She made me realise that a perspective change was all I needed to look at things differently, and to be at peace, if I can use that extremely cliched phrase. I was no longer preoccupied with the WHY WHY WHY, complete with hand-wringing and hair-tearing, and saw that there're actually more answers to a question than the obvious ones you'd expect. As a result, this blog is still up and running, with plenty of sexy pics to boot.

I remember chatting with Narrowband about some stuff my girlfriend is going through. In a very ironic way, the very advice I gave to her came back to bite me in the ass. Another lesson learned in life: don't go around giving advice like some know-it-all, because you just know your best friend Murphy's gonna drop by for a visit.

Bad timing and irony, the story of my life. :p Okay, I was exaggerating. It's really not that bad.

When all's said and done, I'm still glad that I took the steps that I did. You live, you learn (Alanis Morisette).

Now about Terri Schiavo. I can't imagine the amount of trust and love you need to commit the rest of your life to one single person. Likewise, I can't imagine the level of betrayal when that someone whom you love and have sworn to live with forever decides to let you starve to death.

There's euthanasia, which I support, and there's torture, which I do not. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, but I don't think I can starve my worst enemy to death. If a man can do that to his wife, whom he purportedly loves, he can do that to anyone.

To Jodi Centonze, I know being the third party always gets you maligned and pilloried (Camilla comes into mind), but I also know very well that it takes 2 hands to make a clap. I don't wish you any ill-will, and I hope you'll enjoy a better fate than Terri.

I guess when you think you know someone, you never really do. Or else they're capable of change so drastic that it makes them a totally different person from the one you thought you knew.

I'll still pick flying blind. Just hope I don't end up with somoone like Michael Schiavo.



This is very confusing, innit? I think I'm all over the place with no clear direction. My dream of being a journalist might have just been truncated. This is why I very seldom let people into the inner sanctum of my mind, cos it's really a very confusing place to be in. I won't do it again for another 3 months, I promise.