"dad, is port klang in klang?"

We were all sitting in Fara's car, all excited about our seafood dinner, when we were suddenly struck by a revelation. None of the 5 girls in the car had any idea where the heck Port Klang is.

Hence the title of this post, an SMS sent by none other than yours truly. Yes, I realise the utter stupidity of that SMS (you can tell by this alone that I probably didn't do very good in my exams). But hey, imagine my dad's consternation when he got that from me. Actually, you don't have to, cos I'm gonna tell you.

The moment it said "message sent", 2 seconds later I got a call from the guy who's responsible for my existence (so to the people who hate me, hate my dad instead *grins*). With the help of my superb communication skills, I managed to reassure my dad that we knew what we were doing (we didn't), confirmed that Port Klang was in Klang (double duh), and we went along our happy way.

At this point, I would like to say that the collective knowledge level and navigational skills inside Fara's car did not increase. Because we were all young and therefore brainless, we decided to wing it and follow the signboards to Port Klang. Stop looking at me, I had nothing to do with the let's-wing-it decision whatsoever.

Now if you're Malaysian, you will reread the second last sentence again, and you will be overcome with awe, because Malaysian signboards are hopeless. For the benefit of the filthy foreign dogs whom I hope are reading this, there is only one reason for the existence of the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department, and that is to make driving in Malaysia as challenging as possible to those with absolutely no knowledge of which road leads where.

For example, imagine you're on a highway (freeway, expressway, etc) and you want to get to Banting. Obviously you can't stay on the highway forever or it'll take you to someplace completely ulu like Bukit Kayu Hitam (I paid attention in Geog *grins*). So you need to keep your eyes for big shiny blue signboards that spell out "Banting" in white letters so you know where to get off the highway. Very easy, yes? Not if the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department has anything to do with it!

FIGURE 1: PINK FUGLY CAR IS DOING 60.

The Banting signboard will be placed exactly 1 meter into the off-ramp that you're supposed to get on, so you'll see cars slamming on the brakes and leaving about an inch of rubber on the tar roads. It's still an exercise in futility because even if you're a slowpoke and drive at 60km/j, there's no way you'll be able to stop in time.

Some things are incomprehensible to the human mind, like the utter vastness of the universe and the utter stupidity of the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department, so for clarity purposes I've decided to flex my MSPaint skills and show you a little drawing I made. Complaints about confusion or the suckiness of my line art will not be entertained, thank you. Please note placement of the blue square that's supposed to be a reproduction of our signboards.

Now for point number 2, referring to the same picture (figure 1), I would like to draw your attention to the little blue square again. The names of the locations are actually nicely spaced and straight in real life, unlike the little lines on mine, so pretend it's perfect, ya? Anyway, your location is pretty hard to miss if it's the first one on the list, but again, the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department likes to place really obscure places on the top, like, I dunno, Kuala Krai or something, so if you want to bet on anything, you can bet that the place you want to go to is listed as item number 27 on the board. By the time you actually manage to spot it and wave excitedly, you're already well on your way to Bukit Kayu Hitam.

FIGURE 2: TREE SEZ, "HI!".

In the event that you DO manage to find a nice, clear, shiny signboard that's placed at a strategic location in plain view of every passing motorist, the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department will quickly remedy the situation by planting a fragile little sapling smack in front of it. Because we're in the tropics, trees grow at an alarming rate. Give the little sapling 3 weeks and it'll be a towering behemoth with huge wavy branches that will block the entire signboard except for Kuala Krai.

Again, those unable to imagine the scenario can refer to Figure 2, which is essentially Figure 1 but with more oddly-shaped cars and a tree.

I think that's enough examples for one night. So you see, driving is hopeless unless you know exactly where you want to go to. Think of it as a very sick sort of state-sanctioned punishment for not paying attention to the road when your dad was driving you to Banting, cos when you need to drive to Banting yourself, you will invariably end up somewhere far, far away. Like maybe Klang. It wouldn't surprise me at all if we ended up in Banting (because we wanted to get to Klang for seafood, remember?).

However, don't think too harshly of the Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department. That which does not kill you makes you stronger, they say, and in Malaysia, that which does not make you go completely bonkers and start flipping the little birdie at everyone else on the road makes you a survivor, to fight another battle another day.

Now for the conclusion of this drawn-out post. Although we took a few wrong turns, drove on the wrong side of the road and made a few U-turns (some illegal, some not), we eventually managed to get to the place we wanted to go to, and had some pretty spectacular chili crab. We were all survivors that day. Except maybe the crabs.

Notes:
Malaysian Signboarding Authorities Department is not the real name of whatever department it is that supervises the manufacture and placement of signboards in Malaysia. Like I would actually do research before typing something this long, tsk.