I can tell it's going to be a good year

ACT 1, SCENE 1
Today, at an undisclosed location...

Auntie: Eh, Ah Laine, I heard from your mummy you haven't bought CNY clothes yet hor?

My spider sense tingling, I answered meekly, "Yes, auntie. No time to go shopping lately." I am always meek with my relatives. Keeps up the good girl image, muahahaha. Anyways...

Auntie said, "I got something for you. Come, come."

Little did the meek little girl know that she was walking straight to her doom.


ACT 1, SCENE 2
Inside one of the many rooms at the previously undisclosed location...

Auntie was rummaging in a cupboard. "See, I bought this from China one, thought want to give to you for CNY."

Me, thinking deep thoughts. Whenever relatives go to China, they always come back with tacky and completely inapropriate stuff. Shiny kitschy China-style clothes with frog buttons should only be worn by non-living things (like Hello Kitty dolls and dead relatives), and I don't want fake jade, thank you very much.

After Auntie removed almost all the contents of the cupboard, she pulled out something. As far as I could see, it was a piece of green cloth. Then she turned it over and I gasped.

OH, THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

Auntie: See, this one is good quality cloth, not silk so it won't stick to you when you sweat. CNY mah, sure sweat a lot cos so hot. You must remember to wear sunscreen okay?

I'm sure she said more, but I was in a state of total and complete shock. All I could think off was there's no way I could get out of wearing this for Chor Yat cos we have to visit this auntie on that day, and she would expect to see me in it. I nodded along with a frozen rictus plastered on my face as I ran through all the possibilities, including faking stomach aches and arson. Thankfully, years of drilling and indoctrination at the hands of a sergeant major aka maternal granma meant I could fake decorum even as my insides were churning in a diarrhea-ish way. Oh well, spider in a web. Maybe I should just grin and bear it, after all, it's only a piece of clothing.

I hope the contortion of my features passed for joy and happiness, cos (not so deep) inside all I could think of was, "Please, if there is a god, kill me. Kill me now."

Oh look, I didn't die.


ACT 1, SCENE 3
15 minutes spent modelling that piece of...thing for my auntie, much to the amusement of my cousins. Oaf was smart enough to realise I would deliver a flying kick to his groin and completely decimate his balls if he so much as snickered, so he was the model of serenity. At certain times, I don't give a shit if he's the only one to continue the family line. Piss off the tai ka cheh and there'll be hell to pay.

Back to The Thing. Another pic here for emphasis on fugliness.

In addition to being a horrible shade of puke green and brown, it was 5 sizes too big for me. From the front I look like a kung-fu nerd. From the side I look like I'm pregnant. From the back, well, I don't know, but I fully intend to wear it with a pair of tight jeans in hopes that my ass would distract people from all that horrible green-ness.

You know what'd be the best accessory to go with this? A brown paper bag for my head.


Scribbles:
Ah Laine is not my real name. For some reason my relatives like to call me that. I have been on a campaign to re-educate them, but Iraq is progressing better than the stubborn family I was born into. I blame my mother. If you think my nickname sounds a lot like "Ah Lian", you are wrong. VERY WRONG!

Chor Yat is the first day of CNY, where people visit the most respected members of the extended family.

Tai ka cheh is cantonese for eldest sister. Also triad slang for The Boss Lady, which I am not. Demure, sweet and sunshiny, that be me. *grins*