5 Don'ts When Hitting On Random Strangers

Since I've put my contact info on the left sidebar, I've been contacted by some people who thought I was fascinating (as in museum specimen) enough to warrant some mutual touching of bases. A lot of them are really nice, and I'd name names if I weren't bound by our confidentiality agreement. Some others, however, have the honour of being the inspiration for today's blog post.

So in the name of education, allow me to introduce today's topic: 5 Don'ts When Hitting On Random Strangers.

Don't be say hi for the sake of saying hi
People communicate for a reason. This principle applies in online communication as well. As a general rule, you're not supposed to click on everyone in your contact list and then type "HI!" and just sit back and wait for replies. Specifically, don't do this:

Random Idiot: hi.
Saffron: [AWAY MESSAGE]
Saffron: Hi.
Saffron: who're you?
Random Idiot: I'm RI.
Saffron: ok. I'm Saffron.
Random Idiot: hi saffron

[CUE AWKWARD SILENCE]

It is a generally accepted practice that the person who initiates a conversation with an unknown person should always think of at least 3 topics in advance so that the conversation doesn't go into the awkward silence mode 17 seconds after the first "hi!"s are uttered.

Don't play coy
When the person you're talking to asks you who you are, don't play coy and ask him to guess. If he decides to humour you and makes a guess (that would most probably be wrong), don't be annoying and go "Lalalala, you're WRONG!!!!!" and ask him to guess again. And again. And again. If he knows who you are, he won't be asking you that question now, would he?

People generally don't like to talk to people who're entertained by such juvenile antics.

Don't speak in weird languages
While it may be appealing to your warped little mind to speak in your own language as a mark of your identity' and a 'symbol of your community', it is generally considered bad form to tYpE LikE tHiS fOR loNg PEriOdS oF TimE bECauSe iT is VeRY anNoYiNG tO reAD. It is also advisable to only use l33t sp34k only when you are talking to your Geeky Gamer friends. Do not use l33t sp34k with girls, because they will dismiss you as a raving lunatic and put you on their level 3 block list. If you are lucky, it will not be for life.

Sometimes Nerd/Geek brands can never be washed off, no matter how hard you scrub with Vim.

Don't be boring
Interesting people are generally nice to talk to. They engage you in the conversation and amuse you with their topics. For those of us not endowed with the gift in interesting-ness, we have to resort to stupid and embarassing (but hopefully funny) anecdotes and self-deprecating humour to entertain the people we're talking to. While not many of us are gifted with the ability to be completely charismatic, there are ways to keep people from sleeping and subsequently drooling all over the table when they are conversing with you. One of these ways is to avoid doing this:

Random Idiot: hi
Saffron: [AWAY MESSAGE]
Saffron: hi
Saffron: who're you?
Random Idiot: asl??

Nothing kills off a convo quicker than typing "asl" less than a minute into the convo. Remember that. Now to continue the conversation above, for there is another point I wish to illustrate.

Saffron: 14 m pg
Random Idiot: pg??
Saffron: penang
Saffron: you?
Random Idiot: got pic??

Remember what I said about nothing killing off convos faster than "asl"? If you're not satisfied with the thawing direction of the convo after "asl", you can choose to follow up with "got pic?". That's a sure-fire guarantee that whoever you're chatting with will do this:

Saffron: [EXECUTE: LEVEL 3 BLOCK]

Don't say you're a stalker
Even if you are, pretend you have some other, legit reason to talk to her. Just because you've never met her doesn't mean you're not allowed to be able to recite the complete and unabridged family background of 18 generations of her ancestors, yes, but the key thing here is to NOT let her know about it.

Normal people generally don't like it when random strangers pop up on their IMs and start talking about their (not yours) grand aunt in a familiar manner. And though you may not understand their motivations, they may even be extremely cautious of you and react in a way cornered animals do when they're forced into a small area between a hard place and a rock.

This would significantly truncate any communication you have had with her, or it may completely wipe out any future possibilities of communication, and you, being the cute little stalker that you are, would not want that now, would you? So to recap, don't betray your ulterior motives until she's well into the net you've woven for her.

If you have any doubts about the above tactic, it actually worked on TV Smith, so you can see it's not exactly the product of an overactive imagination!

Good luck with your endeavors, fellow (scary but cute) stalkers!