Anarchist's Cookbook

Standard disclaimer: The following sequences are done by trained professionals under controlled situations. Children, please do not imitate the actions shown. Oh alright, if you really want to do it, make sure you tell your mom and dad first and get adult supervision.

Usual "I am absolved of all moral and legal responsibility blah blah blah" clause stands.

Beef Tenderloin with Red Wine Sauce
Kinda liked poking around the kitchen after my first pasta attempt, so this is the second dish I’m trying to cook competently. That means no setting the cooker hood on fire or accidentally spilling molten cheese onto my foot.

First of all, I’m told recipes start with a list of ingredients, so here goes.

You will need:
1 big pan, preferably of the non-stick variety if you’re ham-fisted like me.
1 thick-bottomed saucepan (how thick? If you whack someone over the head with that saucepan, you want to know for sure that it’s the guy’s head that will break, not the pan. That’s how thick)
1 large plate

*Beef tenderloin, thinly sliced
1 cup of red wine (cheap wine is only for incapacitating innocent girlies)
About a clove of finely-shopped garlic. More if you’re the bane of all vampires around.
A bowl of all-purpose flour
Pinch of dried thyme leaves/McCormick thyme
Butter, about 2 teaspoonfuls
Enough olive oil to coat your pan
Salt and pepper to taste
Sprigs of parsley for garnish

*I assume you’re like me and can’t recognise tenderloin of cow from, say, shank of cow, so just pick up the styrofoam box that says ‘beef tenderloin’ and you’ll be safe. If you do your shopping in markets, I guess you’ll just have to trust your butcher. If you can’t translate tenderloin to BM/Chinese/Tamil/Misc, sorry, I can’t help you. I don’t know what the heck it is either.

You’ll also notice that there’re no exact measurements on that list. That’s because I don’t have one of those nifty Pyrex cups with the measurements in both metric and imperial, so I just wing it and hope for the best.

How to:
Step 1: Make sure your plate is dry, then throw in flour, thyme, salt and pepper. Mix around with fingers until it’s all more or less blended together. Heat pan on burner, but keep fire on medium heat max. If you’re a slow worker then put it on low, cos you don’t want to leave permanent burn marks your mom’s expensive non-stick pan and get needlessly screamed at.

Step 2: Dip beef slices into the mixture of flour and make sure both sides are coated. Shake off excess flour. The goal is to saute the buggers, so repeat until you have enough beef slices to fit comfortably into your pan. The point is not to cram as many slices as you can, but to make sure that each slice lies flat on the pan when it’s sautéing.

If you really have a huge pan, or a small amount of beef, then you can just tip all the meat into the flour, mix it around with your fingers then place it in your pan one at a time. Otherwise, don’t cheat and try to do this the easy way cos the meat’s just gonna start bleeding while it sits there, waiting for its turn in the non-stick pan.

Step 3: Pour olive oil and half of the butter into the pan. Stir around until butter is melted, which shouldn’t take long if your pan is hot enough, then sauté the beef (in batches, remember?) until it’s nicely browned. Repeat until you finish with all the meat.

You can sauté them as long as you want, depending on your preferences. While salmonella is an ever-present danger, (especially in, how do I put this, habitats populated solely by males) well done generally tastes like dried bark. Live a little. Emergency room experiences are usually not that bad, particularly if you’re unconscious from abdominal cramps.

Step 4: Heat thick-bottomed saucepan, and add a bit of olive oil. Metal always needs some lube to make it look pretty and shiny. Dump garlic into the pot and sauté until aromatic. Don’t burn it to a crisp. Pour in wine and adjust flame until it boils. Lower flame again and stir periodically to remove any burned brown bits in the bottom of the pan. This really shouldn’t happen if you’ve been good and used the murder weapon like I told you to. Wait for wine to reduce.

Step 5: While you’re waiting, arrange the meat in a circular pattern on pretty plates, or just lump the stuff together if you’re dining in alone. Keep the meat warm by placing it in an oven or the rice cooker.

Step 6: When the wine has been reduced by about a third of the original amount, turn off the flame and stir in the rest of the butter. Spoon the sauce over the meat slices and serve immediately.

You could also try doing artsy-fartsy stuff like garnish the dish with parsley and sprinkle coarse pepper in a circle around the meat to impress your date.

And voila, dinner!

Note: This is here because I like to pretend that people are actually going to try doing this at home. Title and disclaimer supplied by the ever-witty Arion.