Wingman-ism

Whenever you go to a bar (or some such happening place) and see a girl you're interested in, that girl will invariably be surrounded by her posse of friends, or if you're lucky, she'll have one girl friend with her. This is where the concept of the noble Wingman comes in.

What is a Wingman, you ask? (If you already know just skip to the 5th paragraph)

According to Dictionary.com, a Wingman is a pilot whose plane is positioned behind and outside the leader in a formation of flying aircraft.

That's the military definition. The Wingman I'm talking about today lurks in social situations, mostly in bars and pubs. A Wingman is your noble best buddy who's going to be responsible for diverting the attentions of the afore-mentioned girl friend(s). Why noble, you ask? Because the girl friends of the hottie chick are usually not going to be hotties themselves, that's why. The importance of the Wingman is hence illustrated, since you can't very well sidle up to the girl you like and drag out your smoothest pickup line with a whole gaggle of girls looking at you when you say, "So, what's your sign?"

Imagine the sound of derisive female laughter echoing in your mind. Imagine the utter pandemonium. Imagine what that would do to your fragile male ego. Now you see why the Wingman is the most important asset you can have when you're buaya-ing innocent little girlies in bars. (yes, innocent little girlies don't exactly hang out in bars, but fantasies are fun)

Now, for a mighty salute to the noble Wingman, without whom many raunchy back-alley rendezvous would not have happened. The back-alley thing is usually preceded by a heavy bout of drunken flirting, so it's best if you avert your eyes when that's happening.

Okay, now that we're done glorifying the males, now is the time to illustrate the female perspective of the Wingman. Yes, we exist, although in a slightly different standpoint, but the common denominator here is we get the raw end of the deal. The sole reason for our existence is to provide eager males with the phone number/address/date of birth/vital stats of the hot chicks who also happen to be our friends. Most guys would have taken this presumably easier route to get the girl of his heart, and it works too, sometimes.

In view of the fact that I've been in this female Wingman position for, oh, 4 years and counting, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this. However, since I'm not in a particularly good mood today, and since I am also slightly inebriated, I've decided to dedicate this blog to the stupid idiots I've came across while in the exalted position of female Wingman. By dedicate, I mean educate the rest of you on what not to do when approaching a hottie's good friend for information.

Actually, there's only 1 stupid idiot I've come across that warrants this much effort, and he will be named at the end of this blog. Please, learn from this case study. God must have put him on his green earth for a reason.

Do not try to fool the good friend of the hot chick into thinking that you really want to buy her lunch or borrow her notes. That's number 1. It's painfully obvious to a female Wingman whenever a guy approaches her to ask for information, so don't pretend that she doesn't know what you're doing, and it'll save us both a lot of intelligence points. It doesn't matter that you mask it under a disguise, and it doesn't matter how smooth an operator you think you are, we'll still know.

Number 2, do not ever go the make-her-jealous route. If you've been hit over the head with a blunt object and decide to play this game, please do not ever do it with the female Wingman. I'm sure I don't need to impress upon you the utter futility and idiocy of this jealousy strategy, but to emphasise my point, DO NOT DO IT. You'll only make yourself look bad and, in the process, lose a heck LOT of respect points.

Hot chick is not going to care whether some loser geek goes out with her friend or not. Her friend is not stupid enough to fall for this trick. Please do not insult her intelligence by feigning an interest in her the minute hot chick rejects your slovenly advances. The keyword we're looking at here is dignity. Don't lose it. The female Wingman, fueled by estrogen, is also going to ruin all your chances of ever dating a girl within her circle of friends, so you are in effect shooting yourself in the foot. Twice. With a Desert Eagle. At close range. Whoohoo and you end up a cripple.

I'm pretty good at this metaphor stuff.

Hmmm...Actually, I can only think of 2 points right now. I'll tack on more when they come to mind. Right now, I'm going to polish off the remaining wine because, let's face it, wine was never meant to be re-corked.

This female Wingman rant is dedicated to my best friend and partner in crime, who is the only person to have suffered more fools than me over the years. She's a much nicer person than I am.

3/4 of this blog is inspired by the stupidest person I have ever met in my life, Chris. The remaining quarter is inspired by the wine coursing through my veins right now. If Chris is reading this, be thankful the wine has mellowed my mood and dulled my words. I'm usually more vehement (read: spitting fire) whenever your name is brought up.

If anyone can tell me what's the female equivalent of the Wingman it would be highly appreciated. It's annoying to keep referring to myself as 'female Wingman' all the time.