dog mauls girl, takes off arm and half of torso

I was halfway through my post when I suddenly remembered the spate of dog attacks on kiddies recently, and thought that writing this in a news column style might not be in the best taste. So I deleted it all, and that's half an hour of my life gone. :p

Yeah, I'm slow. Why? Read the title again, thanks. Psst, I'm the girl, not the dog.

Okay, onwards. Over the years, there were times when I was required to sacrifice personal interests to contribute something back to the family in return for them clothing, feeding and loving me over the past 22 years. Today was such a day. My granma sent me downstairs, across a road, up some rickety stairs and into the sundry shop to buy some eggs.

Because I just woke up from a nap (I'm on a break, napping at irregular times is a perk!) I decided some exercise would be good for me. After grabbing my wallet, I bent down to grab my slippers from the shoe rack and came up breathless. Ooh, not a good sign. Note to self: get off lazy ass and start exercising so I don't die by the time I'm 40.

If I'm fated to die at 40 I would sooo regret the time I spent on the treadmill.

So off I went, happily singing to myself while swinging my wallet in my hand. I've developed a nasty little habit of singing to myself after my stint as Saffron the Super Salesgirl, and I suspect it was due to extreme boredom. Little did I know that might have sealed my fate today.

I went downstairs with nothing out of the ordinary happening to me. Crossed the road without being honked at, thank you. Went up the rickety stairs and didn't fall into the drain. Bought the eggs while chatting with the store owner for a while. Tried to talk him into giving me a free egg since I bought a dozen, but he was a crafty little man who's an expert in his field, so my cheapskate attempt was foiled. Bought an ice-cream cone as well cos it's been ages since I've had any.

As I was stepping off the rickety stairs, I was licking the cone, swinging the bagful of eggs (very carefully) and singing to myself, when I met The Behemoth.

Now generally, I'm not scared of one dog. Heck, I'm a little doggie myself, and I figured if it was going to bite me, well, I have teeth, I'll bite it right back. This one though, this one was black with big nasty yellow teeth, and I can just bet you he (I spied balls swinging around) chomps through the neighbourhood kids for lunch. Or just for fun, cos you never really know with dogs. Did I mention it was also behemothic? Cos it was. Behemothic.

In the tune of bad-timing ruling my life, I wasn't armed with a stick or an umbrella that would be of some help to me in situations like this. Worse, I was wearing a Mickey t-shirt and shorts, so if he decided to bite it would go right through to the bone. Much worse, I was wearing big chunky slippers that makes my feet look small, but I can't run for shit in them. Worst of all though, was the knowledge that you can never outrun or outbite a Behemoth that has 4 legs and mandibles the size of my pinky finger.

PANIC PANIC PANIC

A while later I realised I was waving my ice-cream at the Behemoth like it was some kind of melting baton. A longer while later it came to me that maybe the dog was just hungry. If I throw the eggs at him they might hit him so hard that he thought I was attacking him, and scenes of a mangled and bleeding body flashed through my mind. I wanted to die pretty, but most importantly, I wanted to die painlessly.

Sadly, my dream was never fulfilled. The dog attacked me and took off my arm. And while I was screaming and the blood was gushing out of the hole where my appendage used to be, he decided that it would be fun to gnaw a chunk out of my torso while he was at it. And he did.

Now I'm typing with one hand and no liver. :(